The Struggle Bus: Confronting Some Hard Truths
- Megan Bacigalupi Fikes
- Apr 4
- 5 min read
There’s no sugar-coating it. I’ve been on the STRUGGLE BUS. I haven’t been okay for a while. These last few months have been incredibly tough. I’ve been constantly sick, exhausted, dealing with increased chronic pain and fatigue. And on top of that, my old friends: anxiety, insomnia, intermittent depression, and STRESS have all joined the party. We’re also navigating significant parenting struggles that are breaking my heart in pieces, while I wrestle with my thoughts and feelings about the state of our country and the world. I’m disgusted and horrified by our so-called “leaders” and their disgraceful actions, fueling hatred and enabling awful people to spread their vile views without remorse or recourse.
As if that weren’t enough, I’ve been dealing with ongoing and newly discovered health issues. The overwhelm of trying to figure out treatments, researching lifestyle changes, and managing costs is… a lot.
As an empath, I feel everyone’s energy, and lately, that energy has been anything but positive. It’s hard to separate myself from it, especially when it feels as if their misery is my own. Add a little grieving and secondary loss to the mix, and I’ve been in full “SHUT. DOWN.” mode. I’ve been avoiding current events, trying to find glimpses of goodness in anything, and clinging to even the smallest joys, which, typically, I’m pretty good at. But lately? Life has been hitting me hard, and that once-optimistic part of me feels totally wiped out.
I’ve been in survival mode, isolating myself, canceling and ignoring my self-care routines, and finding comfort and escape in sleep. I’ve been doing the bare minimum just to get by, wallowing in my own misery. And admitting that I’m not okay? That’s the hardest part for me. It’s my least favorite thing to do because my love language is being the strong one for others. I find purpose in helping people who are struggling, not in asking for help myself.
For example, I kept canceling my energy/sound healing sessions with my good friend, Leigh Hurst, at Purposeful Living Healing Center. Self-sabotage at its finest; avoiding my feelings/inner turmoil and refusing to acknowledge that I haven’t been thriving these past months. But after a message from Leigh (who threatened to hunt me down if I canceled again—ha!), I finally showed up. And as soon as I walked into the healing center, I knew she could feel my struggles radiating from every part of me. We talked for over an hour and worked through a chunk of it, but honestly, we probably just scratched the surface. Even so, I left feeling a massive weight lifted off my shoulders and a clearer sense of grace. I started recognizing that I am doing a lot of things well, despite my inner critic.
Receiving energy & sound healing, such an important tool in my mental health toolbox
My healer & amazing friend, Leigh!
One of my lifelong struggles is never feeling like I’m doing enough. I feel like I’m always falling short—whether it’s in giving, helping, or participating. Yet, the people around me often say they can’t believe how much I do: raising two amazing humans, running our household with Jon (who has been an absolute rock these past few years, stepping up when my physical challenges became overwhelming), managing appointments and schedules for a family of 4, handling administrative duties, overseeing social media, bookkeeping, and financials for the restaurant and my mom’s other businesses, staying connected with friends and loved ones in meaningful ways, and caring for our furry family members. When I stop to look at everything I accomplish, I realize it’s actually more than enough, probably too much, if I’m being honest.
Photo Credit: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-overcome-low-self-esteem-19-tips-feel-confident-ahmed
But then my go-to self-saboteur shows up, telling me I’m lazy, worthless, and that taking a day to rest is unacceptable. When my body refuses to keep going, I feel like I’m missing out, which makes me angry (my anxiety often manifests through anger) or depressed and often leads to exhaustion or getting sick. Even after all the work I’ve done to silence that “Bitch in The Attic” as I lovingly named her, these last few months, she’s been louder than ever—and I just haven’t had the strength to tell her to shut the fuck up (yes, she deserves the F word).
So, here’s the truth I’m forever trying to convince myself of…it’s okay to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to fall apart, to be a hot mess, and to reach out for help when you can’t see a way through the seemingly endless muck of your own personal Swamp of Sadness (any Never-ending Story fans? Ha!)
Growing up, I internalized a lot of my emotions. I’d shut myself in my room, feeling ashamed of what I was going through because no one really asked how I was feeling. I didn’t talk about my struggles—I’d escape into a book or a TV show, anything to transport me away from the heaviness in my own mind. And guess what? I now see these same tendencies happening in my children. So I am fighting tooth and nail to change that cycle and create the safe place my kids need to vent and unload with no judgement and true listening. The closest people in my life know this is my default mode: when I isolate or go quiet, they know I need a wake-up call to share my ugly shit before I implode. Though I hate every minute of it, that purging process always leaves me feeling lighter. The existential dread dissipates, the weight of the world lessens, and I start to regain my energy to move forward.
This blog is one way I find release, a safe-ish place where I can express my thoughts more freely than I can out loud. I’ve always been better at writing out my thoughts than verbally expressing them. When I see others relating to what I’m going through or being moved by something I’ve written, it fills my soul in ways I can’t describe. But it’s funny—sometimes, even though I know the release will feel so much better afterward, I’ll still fight it, tooth and nail.
Tonight, I’m going to give myself some grace. I’m going to recognize and be proud of the things I contribute to my life, to my family, in my work, and to my friends. I’m going to be proud of the way I’m parenting, improving upon and learning from the way I was parented, even when it can feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest sometimes. I’ll show myself a little love, just like I do for everyone else, because I’m worth it. I’m still showing up the majority of days, still pushing through, even after facing life’s hardships, traumas, setbacks, and failures over the last almost 42 years. I haven’t thrown in the towel—even when I really wanted to. And that means something…
Because, through all life’s painful lessons and experiences, there are those glimmers of joy, moments so beautiful that they make everything worth it. So, if you’ve been on the struggle bus too (and, let’s face it, who hasn’t?), let the people who love you in. Throw out that lifeline and accept that help when you need it, before it becomes overwhelming, and do it without shame. And hold on tight for those beautiful glimmers of light. We all deserve to experience life’s sparkles…you know the ones I’m talking about. Those moments of uninhibited joy making every struggle, every ounce of pain, all worthwhile…hold on for those.
I am so proud of you Megan. Thank you for giving people the medicine!
Thank you for sharing my words! I hope it helps someone!