I'm reminded of aging as I just had a birthday, and my crone years are approaching. As my son takes more and more steps toward forming his identity and nearing adulthood, I realize that this beautiful season of motherhood is coming to an end, a shift I am not sure I am ready to deal with at many levels. One level certainly being this upcoming next chapter of a crone. A crone vibrating with life, abundant with joy, radiant in energy,
and steeping in sexuality but a crone, nonetheless. I bet even as you are reading this your brain is trying to make sense of the words. Our conditioning has trained our brains to think of crones as warty witches, evil stepmothers dead set on killing beautiful maidens, and yet that is not the true story of the crone, not the true gift, not what HISstory has painted.
So, as I am trying to make sense of this myself, to come into my own yet again, there is also this reckoning within me about my own aging and sexuality. A sexuality that is
still full and fun and flirty and sexy but definitely very different than what it once was.
Simultaneously I understand I am no longer a maiden here for the pleasure of man, my time as a mother is ending, and these are also both conditions placed on me through societal control and in part with a dose of societal sexual trauma. I also feel a whisper of something that was lost long ago, something hidden, and somehow my sexuality and spirituality are tied together in a way I can’t understand intellectually.
When I found out Leigh’s tantra teacher, mentor, friend, Andrew Barnes was coming to Reno, I was excited to learn more and hopeful that some light would be shed on this whole complicated mess.
We had an opportunity to chat with him and suffice it to say I was not disappointed.
I’m going to highlight some key take aways that I learned in just a one hour zoom call, but in full disclosure, this is for the purpose of a digestible blog, a quick read, and the magnitude of the importance felt and sensed behind the words will not do the conversation the justice it deserves.
First of all, I wanted to know what to expect in the upcoming lectures. What I didn’t know is that female sexuality and information related to female genitalia was removed from books over a hundred years ago. Many women don’t know the names of all the components of their genitals, and as I think back to my education and what I learned from those good old sexual education courses and textbooks, I realize that all I really learned was the parts of me that made babies, how to avoid creating babies until I was
safe and secure in a marriage, and the trials and tribulations of teen parents. Hmmmm….. so nothing about sexual pleasure. Well, no wonder so many women suffer from some type of sexual dysfunction.
In the female sexuality course Andrew will demystify female sexuality and female genitalia. Secondly, while male sexuality is seemingly simple, this is also a social construct placed on men, and understanding the complexity of men’s sexuality is something that is also lacking and will be addressed.
Then we will be learning about the relationship map. Unpacking unhealthy patterns and dynamics we engage in when in relationship, how to overcome them and generate deep love for each other within a relationship.
Our final encounter with Andrew will be a Cacao dance, enjoying the cacao bean drink together, then exploring our bodies through dance and movement, in ways we haven’t done before, with some breathwork, kundalini yoga and meditation.
Basically, an overall celebration of our bodies and joy and expression in the final session of Orgastic Breath Dance. Okay, so there’s the summary if you, like me, are wondering what to expect. If you need more information, you can find it on Andrew’s website, or ask Leigh for a recording of the zoom call referenced here!
Now for the mind-blowing information, things I never thought of, ways sexuality can expand our consciousness, and just a taste of what I believe I will get from attending these workshops.
One, Andrew explained that “our sexuality is at the core of our self-esteem.” That really resonated with me and hit some “ah-ha” chords in my body. Many of us were taught that our sexuality is a shameful thing, something to be avoided, and yet as we hit adolescence, our bodies were telling us something completely different.
We weren’t taught about some of the things Andrew highlights as the foundations
of raising children to be healthy and autonomous in general, let alone how it relates to sexuality, such as setting boundaries, communication, understanding what we want and don’t want so we can communicate this to others, and how to negotiate with others. Yep, never learned that, instead as I child growing up under a pretty controlling religion, I learned to do what I was told, not create waves, please others, be humble, serve my family and others, and conform. When it came to asking and talking about sex, I always received Just a hard no, do not discuss, it is something to never be done outside of marriage, just forget it, lock it away, pretend it doesn’t exist, fight
that “animal” part of myself. So, no wonder looking back at my sexuality I see a clumsy montage of ill put together, scenes of often horrible experiences with partners who also did not know how to communicate, set boundaries, have their needs met in a healthy way, and negotiate in a relationship.
Andrew made a statement during this call that hit me like a ton of bricks, that we “need to be careful not to turn shameful into shameless,” and wow, yep, I think I had a period of time in my self-discovery where shamelessness was embraced. As I tried to break free of the expectations and standards and control, not knowing how to do this, I lost sight of the goal, lost respect for myself, looked for comfort and relationship through sexual experiences, and lacked understanding of how this was taken from me
and destroying my joy.
Almost naturally, as my relationship with myself improved, as I connected with my higher self, cultivated a deep spiritual practice, and embraced all the parts of myself, even or especially the ones I didn’t like, my sexuality, communication, and boundaries improved. Andrew put words to this connection for me, gave light to something I only understood at an intuitive level.
In Tantric traditions, sexuality is merged with spirituality and can be a foundation of our spiritual practice, in fact we can cultivate our sexuality into a meditative experience. Coming together in tantra to share the personal experience of mediation with a partner in a mediative practice and energetic exchange. As we explore these deeper potentials of ourselves, we become more intuitive, compassionate, and loving, further expanding our capacity to connect to the higher versions of ourselves through sexuality.
The act of sex being a sacred experience that is deep and connected to who we are. Our sexuality is a door to return home to ourselves and develop a deeper connection to ourselves. As I became in tune with myself, it became easier to hear my inner
voice, hear my heart’s cry and honor it, of course my discernment became clearer, and the door to that sacred part of myself wasn’t locked away to a shameful dirty space, but rather it was decorated, honored, loved, protected, and only opened for deserving partners who treat me with the same respect as I treat myself.
In fact, Andrew stated that we really can’t talk about sex unless we talk about sexuality
and relationship and that if we are talking about just sex we are at a lower vibration.
As a woman, I can see that as I tried to deny this in myself as the toxic masculinity of the patriarchy has taught, to pretend that I can just have sex and not have feelings, push that part of myself away, that need for connection, love, and support, I was truly damaging my relationship with myself at a fundamental level, definitely lowering my vibration, and operating from a place of dissonance.
So, when Andrew stated that “sexuality is fundamentally a vibrational energy,” I saw this history of development in myself and the deep impact my sexuality has had on my self-esteem, my spirituality, my ability to connect to others, the ways I see myself, this integral energetic dance within my system.
The final question in the call from the group didn’t come from me, but a good one to share. The question being, “Why should I come if I can already have an orgasm?” Well, if that wasn’t answered already, the final answer for the gold prize is this analogy from Andrew. If you were at a five-star Michelin restaurant and there was a massive buffet, would you be happy just eating the tiny crackers? If you love crackers, well then maybe this workshop isn’t for you.
